Thursday, August 19, 2010
Date Night
Once a month or so Richard and I have a date night. We ship Rachel off to one of the sets of grandparents and have the evening through the next day at lunch to ourselves. This sounds romantic, and to start with it is! I usually meet Richard after work and we go out for a special dinner. When we get home though things change and we do house projects. This includes painting rooms, getting ready for a yard sale or cleaning carpets. But it isn't all bad, it just is a perfect opportunity for us. On top of that we usually get to go our for meals, watch a movie and have some real couple time without Rachel interrupting. I mean how do you feel when your three year old asks you "Why were you making the bed jiggle?"
Opinions
Professor Grand,
I am corresponding with you to express my disappointment with your interview in Debra Brennan's Labours of Love. In the article you state that all post adoption support groups do is discuss how to manage unmanageable behaviours. What gives you the authority to make such a blanket statement? Have you attended a post adoption parent support group meeting?
I attend the London and Middlesex Post Placement Support Group meetings and am an active member of the Canadian Coalition of Adoptive Families. Our support group does much more than talk about what is wrong with our children. We regularly remind parents that even though every part of their life was put under the microscope during the home study, while a foster parent and during adoption probation - we are only human and do not need to be perfect. We encourage our members to find time for themselves to do an activity they like and go on dates with their partners.
You say that the grief of infertility and unresolved and we are still trying to mould our children into mini models of us. I think the opposite is true. We have moved past infertility if that was even an issue! Many people in our group and other groups I have contact with were driven/called to be Adoptive Parents and some even have biological children resulting in a truly blended family. Any parent who tries to make their child a mini version of themselves needs to re examine his/her priorities. At group we encourage mesuring success differently then society especially in the education system. We are thrilled to have our children and grateful that someone, usually overworked social workers, deemed us to be the best parents available for a unique child. All children open the minds of their parents to new and amazing discoveries. Adopted kids just seem to be better at doing so.
According to your interview you state that open records are critical because of the right to a history and in cases of illness. Yet those of us who adopted through the child welfare system have special human beings that we ignored by their birth parents on some level. How do you tell a child of any age that her birth mother loved her very much - when while the child was in foster care the birth parent missed 1/2 of the scheduled visits in the first 19 months of your life and didn't see you at all after that? Or that your birth dad agreed to sign his parental rights away, but didn't ask about you from the time of his last visit until after your adoption finalized (a thirteen month time period).
As for the medical piece - assuming the birth parents loose their relationship with the respective CAS they are under no obligation to tell CAS anything later in life even if diagnosed with a hereditary or familial disorder and may even deny it if asked. We can get the medical information available on our children at the time they are adopted and unfortunately even that tends to be incomplete because the birth parents don't tend to reveal everything to the social workers.
While I sympathize with you in that your step adoption over wrote the first six years of your life, I think step adoption, private adoptions, public adoptions and for that matter even international adoptions are all different and the situation depends on whether openness is a good idea or not.
I am corresponding with you to express my disappointment with your interview in Debra Brennan's Labours of Love. In the article you state that all post adoption support groups do is discuss how to manage unmanageable behaviours. What gives you the authority to make such a blanket statement? Have you attended a post adoption parent support group meeting?
I attend the London and Middlesex Post Placement Support Group meetings and am an active member of the Canadian Coalition of Adoptive Families. Our support group does much more than talk about what is wrong with our children. We regularly remind parents that even though every part of their life was put under the microscope during the home study, while a foster parent and during adoption probation - we are only human and do not need to be perfect. We encourage our members to find time for themselves to do an activity they like and go on dates with their partners.
You say that the grief of infertility and unresolved and we are still trying to mould our children into mini models of us. I think the opposite is true. We have moved past infertility if that was even an issue! Many people in our group and other groups I have contact with were driven/called to be Adoptive Parents and some even have biological children resulting in a truly blended family. Any parent who tries to make their child a mini version of themselves needs to re examine his/her priorities. At group we encourage mesuring success differently then society especially in the education system. We are thrilled to have our children and grateful that someone, usually overworked social workers, deemed us to be the best parents available for a unique child. All children open the minds of their parents to new and amazing discoveries. Adopted kids just seem to be better at doing so.
According to your interview you state that open records are critical because of the right to a history and in cases of illness. Yet those of us who adopted through the child welfare system have special human beings that we ignored by their birth parents on some level. How do you tell a child of any age that her birth mother loved her very much - when while the child was in foster care the birth parent missed 1/2 of the scheduled visits in the first 19 months of your life and didn't see you at all after that? Or that your birth dad agreed to sign his parental rights away, but didn't ask about you from the time of his last visit until after your adoption finalized (a thirteen month time period).
As for the medical piece - assuming the birth parents loose their relationship with the respective CAS they are under no obligation to tell CAS anything later in life even if diagnosed with a hereditary or familial disorder and may even deny it if asked. We can get the medical information available on our children at the time they are adopted and unfortunately even that tends to be incomplete because the birth parents don't tend to reveal everything to the social workers.
While I sympathize with you in that your step adoption over wrote the first six years of your life, I think step adoption, private adoptions, public adoptions and for that matter even international adoptions are all different and the situation depends on whether openness is a good idea or not.
Frustration
Has a Family Court Judge in Ontario adopted through the current child welfare system? My response to that question is no. The judicial system can make adopting a child from the local Children's Aid Society a nightmare.
There are time lines set out in the Child Welfare Act that state when decisions should be made to prevent a child from living in foster care longer than necessary, but those guidelines mean nothing to the Family Court System.
Our daughter came home from the hospital under a temporary care and custody order in May of 2007. These orders expire after 30 days and should have been replaced by Society Wardship order that would have been granted at the Show Cause Hearing 7 days after her initial admission to care. The Show Cause Hearing never happened and after 7 adjournments was adjourned to a Settlement Conference because birth mom or her lawyer did not appear.
Settlement conferences are supposed to happen within 90 days of a child being apprehend and expidite the process of Crown Wardship. Again the settlement conference never happened and in August of 2008 (yes our daughter is now just over a year old) was finally adjourned to trail. A trial that won't happen until late April 2009 if we're lucky and a few days before her second birthday. Again the reason for the court delays were actions by the birth mom and her lawyer.
Since our daughter is under the age of six an application for her to become a Crown Ward occurred around her first birthday after she had been in care for a year, as required by the Child Welfare Act. Our daughter's birthmother hasn't seen her since December of 2007, but vecause she is entitled to her day in court she is fighting until the bitter end. Our daughter on the other hand had no way of making her voice heard and her future remained in limbo until September of 2009.
I am glad our daughter was young enough that she didn't necessarily understand what was going on.
As for granting openness to the Birthparents, this has its own set of challenges. Since birthmom was quiet for so long we don't feel any obligation to keep her apprised of our daughters progress. Digging in your heels just so you can tell your birth child if and when they contact you after they turn 18 that it wasn't your fault you had to give the child up, but the fault of Children's Aid doesn't put the child's needs or well-being anywhere near the forefront of the birthparents mind.
Our daughters adoption was finalized in December 2009 at the age of 2.5 years. We have agreed to send letters/pictures to birthdad, whom is no longer with birthmom as long as he sends something first.
There are time lines set out in the Child Welfare Act that state when decisions should be made to prevent a child from living in foster care longer than necessary, but those guidelines mean nothing to the Family Court System.
Our daughter came home from the hospital under a temporary care and custody order in May of 2007. These orders expire after 30 days and should have been replaced by Society Wardship order that would have been granted at the Show Cause Hearing 7 days after her initial admission to care. The Show Cause Hearing never happened and after 7 adjournments was adjourned to a Settlement Conference because birth mom or her lawyer did not appear.
Settlement conferences are supposed to happen within 90 days of a child being apprehend and expidite the process of Crown Wardship. Again the settlement conference never happened and in August of 2008 (yes our daughter is now just over a year old) was finally adjourned to trail. A trial that won't happen until late April 2009 if we're lucky and a few days before her second birthday. Again the reason for the court delays were actions by the birth mom and her lawyer.
Since our daughter is under the age of six an application for her to become a Crown Ward occurred around her first birthday after she had been in care for a year, as required by the Child Welfare Act. Our daughter's birthmother hasn't seen her since December of 2007, but vecause she is entitled to her day in court she is fighting until the bitter end. Our daughter on the other hand had no way of making her voice heard and her future remained in limbo until September of 2009.
I am glad our daughter was young enough that she didn't necessarily understand what was going on.
As for granting openness to the Birthparents, this has its own set of challenges. Since birthmom was quiet for so long we don't feel any obligation to keep her apprised of our daughters progress. Digging in your heels just so you can tell your birth child if and when they contact you after they turn 18 that it wasn't your fault you had to give the child up, but the fault of Children's Aid doesn't put the child's needs or well-being anywhere near the forefront of the birthparents mind.
Our daughters adoption was finalized in December 2009 at the age of 2.5 years. We have agreed to send letters/pictures to birthdad, whom is no longer with birthmom as long as he sends something first.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Weird and Wacky Books
I'm usually pretty open minded in my book selections and reading, but lately. The last three books I've read I either read just because I had it or couldn't get into it no matter how hard I tried.
I borrowed The Time Traveler's Wife from my sister-in-law and read it to the end, but not without difficulty. I found the plot very thin and could not follow it at all. This from a woman who has read all of Diana Gabaldon's Outlander Series!
Another book I had was The Feminist Mistake, a work of non-fiction. This is a book I bought sometime ago and forgot I had. There was a book mark in the middle of the first chapter so I obviously gave up on it before. I managed to get through the second chapter this time around then graciously donated to the London Public Library. This is a book that basically says since I've decided to stay home with my daughter I'm making the biggest mistake of my life and will live to regret it. I honestly can't support a book that degrades my life style.
Lastly I won a book from Chatelaine and am three chapters into it. Again the book has a shaky plot and is just to real yet too unbelievable for me to get into. It is about conjoined twins who have polar opposite personalities and one of them has decided to write an autobiography. I wanted to like the book called The Girls because it is Canadian and I can relate places mentioned, but it wasn't possible.
Here's hoping my next kick at the can will be better!
I borrowed The Time Traveler's Wife from my sister-in-law and read it to the end, but not without difficulty. I found the plot very thin and could not follow it at all. This from a woman who has read all of Diana Gabaldon's Outlander Series!
Another book I had was The Feminist Mistake, a work of non-fiction. This is a book I bought sometime ago and forgot I had. There was a book mark in the middle of the first chapter so I obviously gave up on it before. I managed to get through the second chapter this time around then graciously donated to the London Public Library. This is a book that basically says since I've decided to stay home with my daughter I'm making the biggest mistake of my life and will live to regret it. I honestly can't support a book that degrades my life style.
Lastly I won a book from Chatelaine and am three chapters into it. Again the book has a shaky plot and is just to real yet too unbelievable for me to get into. It is about conjoined twins who have polar opposite personalities and one of them has decided to write an autobiography. I wanted to like the book called The Girls because it is Canadian and I can relate places mentioned, but it wasn't possible.
Here's hoping my next kick at the can will be better!
Lack of Money
I'm having a difficult time of late reconciling my local CAS' funding cuts with the "gifts" we've received from them the last couple months. I know the Ontario Government withdrew discretionary funding meaning most CAS' in the province will be in a deficit position by the end of the fiscal year. And that this change in funding will have an impact on the people serviced by these agencies, but there are areas of funding that could be significantly reduced. Here are a couple of examples.
In October the foster families in London and Middlesex received a Tim Card as a Thank You. While costing considerably less then the annual banquet it is still a significant expense ($1550). Further this package was send out separate from the regular pay packet meaning additional postage is the amount of $176. Added to this we used to get a book of Wendy's Hallow'en coupons to share with the foster kids, but don't now.
Then a couple weeks ago I went to the mailbox to find a beautifully inscribed Heart Shaped Keychain. This is a gift from London Middlesex CAS to congratulate us on our adoption. The inscription on the rotating heart says "Adoption" and "Comes from the Heart." Never mind the costs of the keychains, but the mailing was over $265. If you want to give the adoptive families this present then please give it to the children at Happy Court.
I'm not ungratefully for what London Middlesex CAS has done for us and for other families in the area, but I think there are ways to cut unnecessary spending and not risk cutting services to the children and families.
In October the foster families in London and Middlesex received a Tim Card as a Thank You. While costing considerably less then the annual banquet it is still a significant expense ($1550). Further this package was send out separate from the regular pay packet meaning additional postage is the amount of $176. Added to this we used to get a book of Wendy's Hallow'en coupons to share with the foster kids, but don't now.
Then a couple weeks ago I went to the mailbox to find a beautifully inscribed Heart Shaped Keychain. This is a gift from London Middlesex CAS to congratulate us on our adoption. The inscription on the rotating heart says "Adoption" and "Comes from the Heart." Never mind the costs of the keychains, but the mailing was over $265. If you want to give the adoptive families this present then please give it to the children at Happy Court.
I'm not ungratefully for what London Middlesex CAS has done for us and for other families in the area, but I think there are ways to cut unnecessary spending and not risk cutting services to the children and families.
Sinterklaas
My husband is first generation Canadian, but don't tell him that. Most of the Dutch heritage got left in Holland when his parent immigrated. Both of his parents families arrived in Canada in the 1950s hoping for a better live.
Our daughter is 2 and a half (just ask her) and we've decided to share at least one of those traditions with her even if it is slightly modified from the original.
December 6 is the feast of Saint Nicholas and on the evening before Sinterklaas (aka St. Nicholas) delivers gifts to the good children while Black Peter leaves coal for the bad children. On Sinterklaas eve, there will be a visit to our home in which Rachel will receive small gifts in her slippers and she will leave out milk and cookies for Sinterklaas. She'll also leave carrots for his horse.
Like most Dutch families today the main gift exchange will be done at Christmas and we aren't giving gifts every night leading up to the arrival of December 6th. She does have a My Little Pony Advent calendar to supply those gifts.
Our daughter is 2 and a half (just ask her) and we've decided to share at least one of those traditions with her even if it is slightly modified from the original.
December 6 is the feast of Saint Nicholas and on the evening before Sinterklaas (aka St. Nicholas) delivers gifts to the good children while Black Peter leaves coal for the bad children. On Sinterklaas eve, there will be a visit to our home in which Rachel will receive small gifts in her slippers and she will leave out milk and cookies for Sinterklaas. She'll also leave carrots for his horse.
Like most Dutch families today the main gift exchange will be done at Christmas and we aren't giving gifts every night leading up to the arrival of December 6th. She does have a My Little Pony Advent calendar to supply those gifts.
Strollers
I’m an anti-stroller mom. Have been right from the start. Maybe itsbecause I wanted to make sure Rachel attached to us (she’s adopted) or maybe it’s because the infant carrier from the car seat was just plain heavy. Anyhow a couple of weeks before Rachel was born I investigated the different slings and wearable baby carriers. Keeping in mind that I couldn’t waddle my daughter to save my life, meaning I needed something that was super easy to use. We ultimately purchased a homemade black sling from Mothering Made Easy, http://www.momme.ca/index.php. Part of the reason for that was hope Richard would wear the sling occasionally. Regardless I used the sling the first year of Rachel’s life pretty exclusively and the stroller was for the grandparents. She slept in her sling a lot and Richard was proficient at getting her out of it and into her crib without waking her. I used it for walks, shopping, hikes, housework, etc, including a hike on one of the easier trails at Algonquin Park. Rachel like the sling and it was the one place you could be guaranteed she would settle down. I used the sling until she was about 18 months old then she preferred to be on her own two feet pushing the stroller or at least walking with Mommy.
Around the time Rachel was six months old we started to use a backpack carrier for longer excursions or if I really wanted Richard to be the one to carry her. One of the first big days with the carrier was the 2007 Niagara Falls Casino Marathon. We walked along a large stretch of the Niagara Parkway and Rachel spent the whole time on Richard’s back. We used the pack on my back when camping, on the 2008 London Health Sciences Do It For Dad Walk, or standing at the Richmond Street CP rail crossing to watch the CP Holiday Train roll through London in December of 2008. As Rachel turned 2 she wasn’t interested in the backpack anymore so we stopped using it.
We use strollers/wagons, etc on occasion because of convenience, but these days she’s happy to walk or ride her tricycle most places. The strollers and wagons are only used when she’s tired, the location “unsafe” or she wants to push/pull them.
Around the time Rachel was six months old we started to use a backpack carrier for longer excursions or if I really wanted Richard to be the one to carry her. One of the first big days with the carrier was the 2007 Niagara Falls Casino Marathon. We walked along a large stretch of the Niagara Parkway and Rachel spent the whole time on Richard’s back. We used the pack on my back when camping, on the 2008 London Health Sciences Do It For Dad Walk, or standing at the Richmond Street CP rail crossing to watch the CP Holiday Train roll through London in December of 2008. As Rachel turned 2 she wasn’t interested in the backpack anymore so we stopped using it.
We use strollers/wagons, etc on occasion because of convenience, but these days she’s happy to walk or ride her tricycle most places. The strollers and wagons are only used when she’s tired, the location “unsafe” or she wants to push/pull them.
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